How to Handle 'Mom Guilt'
Sometimes, when parents figure out a better (or more emotionally supportive) way to change problem behavior, they feel massive amounts of guilt thinking about what they did or didn’t do, previously. Or, if they lose their temper, they feel terrible. Or, if their child gets hurt by something they did or encouraged their child to do, it can be so, so hard to reconcile these feelings.
Here’s the thing: Very few people WANT to hurt their children, and most of us go to great lengths to do the opposite. Yet happens anyway.
This is because we are human, and humans are imperfect, and every single one of us will make mistakes.
Nearly always, at some point in our work together, parent clients tell me they anguish with guilt over one thing or another.
The first thing I tell them is, at the very least, recognize that they didn’t anything bad to their kid on purpose. This is step one of self-forgiveness, which is a crucial piece of healthy and whole parenting.
Step 1: Acknowledge that you did not hurt your child on purpose.
Emotions have a biological purpose, and the purpose of guilt may be to alert us to the fact that we are off-course and should do something differently. If you get this message, the emotion has served its purpose and can be let go. The work is to figure out where things are off course (what is your conscience saying) and what to do differently.
If you’ve figured this out and have put the new steps in place, you’ve taken the info and used it to ensure healthier states moving forward. This is where the guilt has served its biological purpose and can end. After this point, the feeling is no longer helpful and can actually turn toxic (for both you and your kids - in a few ways).
If you’re reading this, and thinking, this makes sense, but the guilt is still here, consider this:
Humans are imperfect, and part of our work as conscious, intelligent humans is to accept imperfection in ourselves as well as in others. It’s also part of our job, as parents, is to help children learn HOW to do this.
Making mistakes is unavoidable, and we will each mess up, in some way or another, again. The point here is NOT to not try, or dismiss, or not care; the point is to be realistic, honest, and authentic as we take responsibility and try to improve.
How you handle your own imperfection, and how you act when you mess up models for children how they should act and interpret their own mistakes. If you beat yourself up (or deny, ignore, or blame), you’re essentially communicating that it isn’t okay to make a mistake. And… unfortunately, no matter how hard they try… they will make some, so this goal would set them up for mental anguish and pain.
Through making mistakes, we model for children what they are supposed to do when they make a mistake.
Here is some good news: Dan Siegel says that relationships can be healthier, stronger, and more connected after a mistake and a repair than had the mistake never happened in the first place.
This is such a valuable piece of information because if we truly understand this, we can recognize that not only are mistakes unavoidable, but with proper handling, they can actually strengthen the bond between parents and children.
Used correctly, this piece of science, can help you free yourself from toxic guilt.
The key is taking the steps to make a healthy re-connection and repair.
The repair can look like: Owning it (acknowledging what you did wrong and how it impacted the other), apologizing (Not, “I’m sorry, but you should have _____” or “I’m sorry, but that wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t _____”; that’s not an apology. ‘Apology-buts’ don’t count ;) ) checking in and having conscious communication (asking how the other person is, discussing how they’ve been impacted, and showing genuine care), expressing what you wish you had done differently, and stating your plan to minimize the same type of hurt or mistake moving forward. Taking these steps, plus tuning in, emotionally, and connecting, could lead to a healthy repair.
There are so many benefits that can come from this. Through the process of acknowledging, connecting, and taking the time to repair, we model how to take responsibility, humility (not easy!), dealing with the emotions of anger, upset, and disappointment (on both sides!), and very importantly, children and adults get to have the felt experience of resolution and re-connection following the upset and pain.
This felt experiences proves to us that things can be okay, we can recover, and bonds can survive, even if there is pain, upset, and loss.
It is very hard to hold on to toxic guilt when we recognize that no one is perfect, our kids could actually miss out on important experiences, were they raised by a parent who was “perfect” (though none exists), kids can actually benefit, deeply, from the process of upset, reconnecting, and recovery, and how we treat ourselves after we mess up greatly impacts how our kids will treat themselves and others when they or others mess up.
Ask yourself, if your child made a mistake, similar to the one you made, how would you want he or she to internalize it? What would you want your child to do, and what would you want him or her to say to his/herself?
If you find yourself letting your child off the hook much more easily then you’re treating yourself, what’s going on here? How does this add up?
And…. if you want your child to be kind to him/herself, ….. (not to be annoying here, but….) the way they would learn how to do this is by watching the way their parents act in challenging situations.
Parenting gives us plenty of opportunities to come face to face with our own limitations and imperfections, which can be a gift. The key can be recognizing that every single one of us is imperfect. If the goal is to not make mistakes, we’re in for an uncomfortable ride. If the goal is to accept our imperfections and handle our mistakes with integrity and compassion, to be fair, and kind, and to take responsibility, then this can be a process of finding freedom, connection, developing humility and integrity, and finding liberation from unhealthy messaging.